Surfer Killed by Suspected Great White Shark in Christmas Eve Attack on “The Pit” in Morro Bay, Calif.
The truth be told.
Ok punters, one more year of the Dada surf getaway known as BeachGrit.
In keeping with all other forms of nostalgia for 2021 trying to justify the sense in the inevitable passing of time, here is a list of rewards for us resident lowlifes, compiled in no particular order.
* Note: the price for BeachGrit the categories for 2021 are called “Grittys”. What is a Gritty? A Gritty is that old ball of surf wax that has been rolling around on the floor of your car all season. It has been melted down by the sun and hardened repeatedly and in its traveling bearing has accumulated the rubbish of the gleanings of men stuck in lives of desperation born from the confines of the sale of our labor to neoliberal capital, as if sprinkled on the floors. vehicles worldwide: fingernails pulled out; ash from cigarettes and joints, both; salt from open fast food packages; bald head hair; wives’ to-do lists crumpled up and thrown in the backseat.
Now it’s time for the show.
Serious Category 1: The commentator most likely to be brought home by parents (or your kids, depending on):
1. Jen See. This is self-explanatory. The rest of you, I wouldn’t want to approach my parents, or anyone of the age of consent up to 24 years old. Jen, it doesn’t matter what Chas and DR pay you, it’s not enough. Or maybe that’s too much when it comes to Surfline Man.
Easiest category to complete and assign.
Gritty Category 2: Most likely to rub Chas and DR with Hurley massage oil as teacher pets.
1. Negatron, will never jump off this cash cow. Never.
2. DHMF, I’m sure he’s already applied massage oil while looking at DR’s smiley grill, so he would probably do the same with DR directly.
3. Tomas’ sleek, silky arms, nothing here about the commentator himself, but with an avatar name like this, Chas and DR would be panting like puppies.
The winner is: tie between Negatron and DHMF. We’ll flip a coin to see who’s lube who.
Serious Category 3: Commentator most likely to experience their character in real life:
1. The voice of reason, when the gorilla speaks, you listen.
Gravele Category 4: Commentator most likely to pull out 1 of 10 possible guns and shoot a liberal (i.e. trigger fingers triggered):
1. OttoBeenThere, jotto is the glorious kid of Fox News, Alex Jones and Steve Bannon rolled into one, and lets us know every time he logs on. He probably even has the same orange-skinned toner tucked away in his Montana hunting lodge that Trump uses.
2. Lemoore GOAT’s rodeo, although to be fair, has mellowed since he moved to town. It must be all this diversity.
3. ValiantScorn, hasn’t seen a non-white person he hasn’t yet fantasized about colonizing.
4. JohnsKnees, just to keep fucking with the other three nominees.
5. Honorable mention: Hot Stuff / Bexy; JH
The winner is: I’m not going to say it, because any of them would go out of their way to find out who I am in real life and hunt me down and kill me.
Gravele Category 5: Commentator / Writer Stab will attempt to steal next:
1. Karl VF, and not only for his photoshop / artistic creations.
2. Surf Ads, Stab could use more humor. Surf Ads delivers in spades.
3. JP Currie, actually JP is too jaded and unhappy even for Stab, so undo this.
4. Ben Marcus, that would be a slap in the face from Ashton’s other hand, and this time could be done legally.
5. Negatron, everyone needs a plumber.
6. Longtom, wait a second. Swellnet has already done this.
The winner is: Surf Ads.
Gritty Category 6: Commentator / Writer We’d Love to See Stab Loot:
1. Ben Marcus.
The winner is: the rest of us.
Category Gritty 7: Photoshop best us / photos / video to stack on a thread:
1. Waterproof polo shirt
2. Pauly Matt War-Shore
4. Karl VF
5. Honorable mention: Anything that has a penis or a penis fish.
The winner is: the choice of the dealer.
Gritty Category 8: Best Surfing Stories / Surfing Knowledge Sharing:
3. James Bickerton
4. The voice of reason
5. Lemoore GOAT Rodeo
6. Huli Opu
7. Honorable mention: any other person willing to share the emotion.
The winner is: all of us, to learn more about surfing.
Gritty Category 9: Best Thread One-liners:
1. Path to the outside
2. Billy Hunt
6. Spanish Ricky
10. Topus of occupation
11. Sushi & Sauza from Dane
13. Stick figure
14. Waterproof polo shirt
15. Pauly Matt War-Shore
16. Beef & Bear
18. Hot things / Bexy
19. Charlie Smith
20. The bitchy crab
21. Honorable mention: Too many to mention.
The winner is: all of us, that’s why we’re here. Keep it up, assholes.
Latest trend of 2021:
1. Negative comments. Nothing screams kook (kuk) like giving a down vote. Only the spongers, the VALS, the SUPers and the foilers vote against. Don’t fucking do it.
2. Constantly commenting on Covid.
The winner is neither, because we all lose when both occur.
Commentators we’d like to see more of in 2022:
1. Big wanker
2. Michael Newman
4. Wiggolly’s paddling style
Commentators we would like to see less in 2022:
1. See anyone listed above.
Stories that we would like to see less in 2022:
1. Everything Chas deals with sharks, Whoop, Jonah Hill, and 90% of the other Chas guts peck. Basically, Chas, find your “A” game for 2022. Or at least your C game.
Finally, a loving goodbye to Offrocker. May your waves be hollow wherever you are now.
Thanks for the laughs, comrade.